The Miami Herald

June 16, 2001

Section: Living

Edition: Final

Page: 1E

Memo:AT LARGE; COMMENTARY; Correction ran July 5, 2001; see end of text.



Correction:Leonard Pitts' column in the June 16 Living & Arts section stated that Jim Gard's daughters had a trip planned with his ex-wife and therefore would not see him on Father's Day. Gard did not see the daughters on Father's Day, but according to the ex-wife, no trip was planned or taken.

FOR SOME DADS, FATHER'S DAY IS JUST ANOTHER HEARTBREAK

LEONARD PITTS Jr., Herald Columnist

Jim Gard doesn't know yet what he's going to do on Father's Day. Maybe hang around his Miami home. Maybe play some golf.



The one thing he does know is that he won't be spending that day with his children. As other kids are greeting their dads with neckties and digital tire gauges, Gard's two young daughters will be elsewhere, traveling with his ex-wife. A trip planned, he says, specifically to deny him his right to see his kids this particular Sunday. To deny him his Father's Day.

Gard, a math teacher, is quick to concede there are three sides to every story: his, hers and the truth. He doesn't want to sound like one of those bitter men, he says. Doesn't want to come off like an angry ex. And yet . . .

One of his daughters has a heart condition - five open-heart surgeries. Still, he says, he had to fight for years to get access to her medical records. Says he receives barely any notice of doctor's appointments. That his kids' mother won't let them write or call. And Father's Day? His ex-wife has not allowed him to celebrate that day with his daughters since 1998. Even then, a police escort was required.

Maybe you wonder why I'm telling you this guy's story. It's simple, really. Every time I write about fathers - how they are marginalized, how they are undervalued, how they are crucial to the well-being of their children - I get a call or a letter from some man who has lost his family. Some guy for whom divorce was a painful shock and for whom paying child support in full and on time is a point of pride. Some guy who finds himself nevertheless shut out of his child's life, denied access, denied contact, denied a voice in crucial decisions. Some of them rant and some of them weep. All are frustrated at being forced to the sidelines of their children's lives.

As I said, I meet these guys all the time. And I figured maybe it would be a good thing, here on the eve of Father's Day, if you met one of them, too.

Yes, you're right: Nobody knows what goes on in any marriage except the two people involved. Gard's ex-wife would no doubt tell us an entirely different story. I left a message with her attorney inviting her response, but I never heard from her.

In the largest sense, though, it doesn't much matter that she might dispute the specifics of her ex-husband's claims. Because, as I said, I've met dozens of guys like Gard. They can't all be closet crazy men telling lies.

The question is: Does anybody care?

Certainly, we care about fathers who leave their children emotionally and financially abandoned. But maybe we as a society should begin to take note of the fact that fathers themselves are sometimes abandoned. Because sons and daughters need - and have a right to - a mom and a dad. And absent truly extenuating circumstances, no parent has a right to simply excise another from the life of a child.

Gard, who works with a group called Dads Against Discrimination, is careful to acknowledge that parental alienation doesn't just happen to fathers. ``It works the other way around,'' he says. ``I just don't like to see anyone get taken. I know how it feels.''

Duly noted. But I wouldn't be surprised to hear that parental alienation happens most often to fathers. That in a culture that habitually downplays the contributions and importance of the male parent, it's dad who is most readily and frequently thrown away.

``It's another heartbreak that I can't be with the kids on a day that means a lot to me,'' says Gard. ``When they [tell] me, `Well, we're not going to see you Father's Day,' I say, `Well that's OK, because I see you other days. It's only a day. It's OK.'

``It's really hard to hold back the emotions when I say it to them.''

Leonard Pitts Jr.'s column runs in Living & Arts every Thursday and Saturday.